Taking Charge

After I got back from Florida, I was feeling really lost. When I mentioned to someone that I had been logging my food, she said I sounded so BORED. Huh. I hadn’t expected that. So I’ve been asking for some guidance. What to do? How to move forward??

One thing that has been crossing my path is the idea of learning more about what’s in my food. Starting to cut out processed foods. Looking at more whole, natural foods.

When I saw my chiropractor a few days later, I updated her on all this, and she said she thought I might be ready for a detox. I was so gung-ho about the idea, I decided to just go for it. (I really trust my chiropractor and her extraordinary intuitions.) As she worked on me during that sessions, one of the things she spoke of was taking charge.

So I started the detox this morning. It’s 2 shakes and a healthy meal from a list of foods.

OH, NO. She had warned me it might not taste good, but I was not prepared. It wasn’t so much the taste, but the texture. I was literally gagging on it. I somehow managed to get the whole thing down, but it was soooo unpleasant. And then I felt a little nauseated afterward. I thought if I followed a recipe for the shake mixed with fruit and almond milk instead of plain water it might help. NOPE. Same reaction.

As I sat there staring at the dreaded shake, I normally would have a huge battle within myself about failure and self-criticism. That popped up a bit. But what it really came down to: I can’t see how gagging over a drink is good for me. Even if the benefits of that shake should be great, it’s not going to do me much good if it triggers my gag reflex with every single swallow.

So instead of warring with myself and feeling like a failure, I decided to take charge, just like my chiro had said. This is MY life, MY journey. And I’m in the driver seat. Maybe this detox would have been good for me? I’ll never know, because I’m just not doing it. I am not going to put myself through that kind of torture. Right now, this simply is not the direction I want to take.

I feel empowered. I feel strong and confident. I do not feel like a failure.

So what next? Well, we’ll see. I still want to make healthy changes. Just using a different method….

Black & White

I love black and white. I love to wear it. I love to decorate with it. I love the simplicity and the contrast of it.

I also love to live in it. I love to have things simplified and see them in their opposites. The problem is, we live in a world that is made up of infinite shades of every color of the rainbow. Life simple is not black and white.

I particularly need to stop seeing the concept of success vs. failure in terms of black and white. I see this journey in terms of black and white far too often. I’m either doing it … or I’m not. And when I feel I’m not – I see that as failure. And I get extremely critical of myself.

But that simply is not the case. The journey of transformation – emotional and physical – is not about success and failure. To see it in these terms is far too simple. It truly is a journey. I may get off course and fall back into old, bad habits. But most of the time these days, I don’t get so far off course that I end up in the next county. It’s more like a slight meandering along the road. You know, when you get a little distracted and swerve just a bit within your lane. There’s no real danger in that. You simple readjust and get back into the center of the lane and keep moving forward.

The same is true when I feel like I’m having a set-back. Like I felt last week when I was at the doctor’s office. Getting on the scale hit me hard. And I got pretty emotional about it. I wondered, why does it feel like I keep banging my head against the wall? Why am I still having to work so hard at this?!

Once again, I was WAY too hard on myself. And the cool thing is that I actually came out of that hole pretty quickly. I didn’t go so very far off course. And I do have the tools I need to get back into the center of that lane. It was by no means a failure.

Sometimes success feels sooooooo good. When I was losing weight last year and fitting into smaller clothes, I admit, it felt absolutely amazing! And now that I’ve had to go back up a size in my jeans, it feels … far less amazing. But what I was not appreciating is that it’s only one size! After I’d gone down two or three! I wasn’t back to where I’d started. It was just a swerve off course.

And sometimes I think that if we move too quickly from A to B, we simply can’t sustain it. We aren’t quite ready for it yet. We haven’t learned enough along that short journey.

I even had a fortune cookie giving me this message! No joke! I couldn’t believe it when I read the little slip of paper:

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It was as if the Universe was knocking me over the head with this idea, compelling me to believe it. I do not have to measure myself in terms of success and failure!!!

Time to let go of black and white. Except maybe in my wardrobe 🙂