A Year of Clearing

A friend recently told me about the website called Daily OM. You can take online courses on various topics related to mind, body, and spirit.

I just signed up for one called A Year to Clear What is Holding You Back. I had seen it advertised on Facebook and bookmarked it to check out later when I had more time.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I found myself asking for new inspiration to stay positive as I continue to try to change my body image. Ever since my recent encounter with the scale, I just can’t seem to get back on track. I haven’t been logging, and I know I’m eating more junk again. As I lay in bed wishing for sleep, I thought about getting up to go look at the course. A few minutes later, my oldest son knocked on the door, because he couldn’t sleep. After I put him back to bed, I decided to see his interruption as an opportunity to tip-toe downstairs to my laptop. I thought about setting up a health session with my acupuncturist for the next day, but she didn’t have any openings. So I looked up the course and signed up for it.

I’m a little nervous about it being a whole year. But she says to think of it as an “elastic year” – meaning it can stretch if you need it to. If you miss a day or two, just pick back up where you left off. No problem. I like the sound of that.

And I thought about where I want to be one year from now. Do I want to be stuck in this place of frustration? No, thank you! I want to move forward. Ready, set, go!

Thoughts Matter

I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this past month. Or maybe I feel more like one of the tennis balls being batted back and forth at Wimbledon right now. One day, I’m doing so great! The next, I’ve fallen back into a hole. Up – down – up – down – back and forth. It’s like I’m in a vicious cycle, and I don’t know how to get out.

I’ve been turning to some of my fabulous mentors and supporters for help. Conversations with my mom are always uplifting – even if they are also tear-filled. Then I saw my chiropractor last week. She worked her energy magic, and I left feeling like I’d purged some more old stuff so that I could keep moving forward in a positive direction.

And then I fell back down in the hole. Ugh. Here I am again.

Today, I had a great session with my acupuncturist. She lives on the west coast, thousands of miles from me, so we just do a Skype session these days. No, I don’t put needles in myself!! We just talk, and she works her energy magic. Another bout of tears as I took in what she was saying.

The reason last year (leading up to my 40th birthday) was so successful is that I was exploring a new me. I was allowing this part of myself that had been hiding for so many years to finally take a peek out into the world. I was having fun with this part of me as I was getting to know her. But then the fears crept in. And slowly but surely, this new me began to retreat. I wasn’t making it safe for her anymore. I wanted to, but it was as if I didn’t know how.

It’s so simple, though… and yet so hard. In order to keep her here, I need to keep her happy. And in order to keep her happy, I need to listen to her.

All day long, I need to pay attention to my thoughts. Pay attention to the things I’m doing and the choices I’m making. Are they serving me? Do I want to do these things? Do they make me happy? Am I having fun?

Our thoughts are one of the few things we have control over. I tell that to my kids all the time, and they are only 5 and 2. But I tell them they get to choose how they feel. If they don’t like something, they can choose: do they get mad? Or do they find something else that makes them happy? Or better yet, do they find a way to make that first something fun, so they can be happy no matter what?

I’m so caught up in my overwhelmingly long to-do list and the guilt I feel when choosing to do the things I want to do instead of crossing off all those things I feel I should be doing. And that is what is keeping me in my vicious cycle.

Pay attention to your thoughts. They matter. And they matter most.