One, Two, Three

Short and sweet, I feel I have three things to focus on as I move forward, if I want to achieve my goals of being healthier and shedding the weight I no longer need.

  1. Loving myself.  I believe this is the most important element if long-term weight-loss is to be achieved. Other things factor in, like diet and exercise, but nothing *real* can happen if I don’t love myself – including my body – including my body right now.
  2. Appreciating.  It’s time to take credit for all that I have accomplished! My weight may be fluctuating. It is still less than it was two years ago. And along the way, I have done some serious emotion purging of old beliefs, judgments, and fears. I also believe it is important to appreciate the extraordinary life I have – my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my home, my work, my growth, my support…. The list goes on and on. And that’s not to mention the beauty in nature all around us, a song that uplifts me, soft sheets on the bed, spotting a hawk soaring above, a delicious chocolate chip cookie – on and on and on – all the big and little things that make life so sweet!
  3. Letting go of Control.  This is a big one for me. It’s time to hold the reigns a little less tightly. In ALL areas of my life, including my need to lose weight. My 2-year-old son’s favorite song is “Let it Go” from Frozen. I love to listen to it over and over almost as much as he does, because it reminds me to let go 🙂

And one final note about loving myself. At the risk of sounding arrogant (which I do not think I am), I had a thought about my fears of people judging me: seriously, I think that all the people in my life – family, friends, fellow parents at school – would actually say I’m pretty darned amazing! I don’t know who I think is out there judging me so harshly! The only one doing that is ME. And it’s time to stop.

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Is a Picture Really Worth a Thousand Words?

We had family photos taken a couple of weeks ago and just got to see the proofs today.

I love seeing the images captured of my boys and the smiling faces of my family.

I’m less than thrilled to see the images of myself. Earlier this evening, I was so disheartened. I seem to look the same as I did two years ago before I started losing weight. According to the numbers, I’ve only gained back about half of what I lost. And I definitely am still a smaller size than I was. But I don’t see a difference. I also know that I may be smaller still, but my body shape looks very much the same to me. And that is a tricky point for me.

I almost cried in the car on the way home from dinner tonight. I just feel like I’m on this bumpy ride. I get clear. YES! And then I get derailed. UGH. And then I get clear again. OKAY, GO! Oops, off track again. GAAH! Back and forth I go, like a tennis match.

I feel like I am so close to being in alignment with the person I want to be. But it remains just out of my reach.

When I started this blog, I thought it was going to be about maintenance. And I wished I had started it sooner, so I could have shared the “secrets to my success”. Ha! Looks like I don’t have as many secrets as I thought. Either that, or I’m just not using them. Or maybe I’ve outgrown the old secrets and am in search of new ones.

Tonight while I was dancing, I felt like punching the air. Just busting out all of my frustrations. So I did 🙂 It felt good. LET GO. Just let go of the past. The power is in the present moment (my Louise Hay calendar said that the other day). And that means that in any given moment, I get to begin again. Start fresh. Let go of the past. It does not have to have a hold on me.

I’m looking for new ways to feel healthy. To feel happy.

The other night, my husband and I were out for dinner. Just the two of us 🙂 It was so nice to be out and away from the bustle of every-day life. And I was inspired to try some dishes that I don’t normally order. I chose a small salad, a soup, and an appetizer. Everything was absolutely delicious! I loved savoring every single bite. I loved the way I felt afterward – just right, satisfied. I didn’t care how many calories or grams of fat were in the foods I ate. I simply enjoyed them. And felt healthy doing it.

THAT is how I want to feel when I eat. But it is not an easy feat. Especially with young children at the table. It’s almost impossible to savor each bite. I’m not sure how to get around that. But I know I want to.

My other challenge to myself right now is to continue letting go of control. Not just when it comes to food, but in all aspects of my life. I recently started physical therapy for a back sprain I got over three years ago when I was pregnant with my second child. (Another topic I could go on and on about: why do we suffer through such pain instead of asking for help, as if to suffer like that is normal?!!) Because the injury is in the low back and pelvic region – areas that never get any rest – the muscles could not recover. And so it’s as if I’ve been clenching and holding tight with my back muscles while also using them to protect my abs that were weakened from pregnancy. It’s a telling injury: emotionally, I do the very same things. I hold tight, trying to control things and protect myself. But that just doesn’t work. It is time to feel – to know – that I am safe and protected and that I don’t need any “extra padding”.

Most of all, it’s time to get back to loving and appreciating myself. Just as I am. Right now. I’m not sure exactly how to go about doing that. But I know it is the place to start.

Black & White

I love black and white. I love to wear it. I love to decorate with it. I love the simplicity and the contrast of it.

I also love to live in it. I love to have things simplified and see them in their opposites. The problem is, we live in a world that is made up of infinite shades of every color of the rainbow. Life simple is not black and white.

I particularly need to stop seeing the concept of success vs. failure in terms of black and white. I see this journey in terms of black and white far too often. I’m either doing it … or I’m not. And when I feel I’m not – I see that as failure. And I get extremely critical of myself.

But that simply is not the case. The journey of transformation – emotional and physical – is not about success and failure. To see it in these terms is far too simple. It truly is a journey. I may get off course and fall back into old, bad habits. But most of the time these days, I don’t get so far off course that I end up in the next county. It’s more like a slight meandering along the road. You know, when you get a little distracted and swerve just a bit within your lane. There’s no real danger in that. You simple readjust and get back into the center of the lane and keep moving forward.

The same is true when I feel like I’m having a set-back. Like I felt last week when I was at the doctor’s office. Getting on the scale hit me hard. And I got pretty emotional about it. I wondered, why does it feel like I keep banging my head against the wall? Why am I still having to work so hard at this?!

Once again, I was WAY too hard on myself. And the cool thing is that I actually came out of that hole pretty quickly. I didn’t go so very far off course. And I do have the tools I need to get back into the center of that lane. It was by no means a failure.

Sometimes success feels sooooooo good. When I was losing weight last year and fitting into smaller clothes, I admit, it felt absolutely amazing! And now that I’ve had to go back up a size in my jeans, it feels … far less amazing. But what I was not appreciating is that it’s only one size! After I’d gone down two or three! I wasn’t back to where I’d started. It was just a swerve off course.

And sometimes I think that if we move too quickly from A to B, we simply can’t sustain it. We aren’t quite ready for it yet. We haven’t learned enough along that short journey.

I even had a fortune cookie giving me this message! No joke! I couldn’t believe it when I read the little slip of paper:

2015-10-06 22.26.21

It was as if the Universe was knocking me over the head with this idea, compelling me to believe it. I do not have to measure myself in terms of success and failure!!!

Time to let go of black and white. Except maybe in my wardrobe 🙂