I recently changed doctors. Which means I had to have a physical. Which means that today, I had to get on a scale. I did not like the numbers looking back at me. About 6 pounds more than I thought it would be. I knew I had put back on a pound or two, but I had not expected to see it that high. (And yet as I write this, I have to say, 6 pounds does not seem like all that much.)
Still, it was something of a shock. And a big disappointment. When I started writing this blog, I thought I was in the maintenance phase of weight loss and transformation. Nope. Not even close. In total, I think I’ve gained back at least 10 pounds, after having lost 20. UGH. That does not feel good.
So when I saw my new doctor (whom I really like) and in her litany of questions, she came to the one: how’s your diet? “Well, some good, some not so good,” I answered. And then I started to cry. Not unlike me. I’ve cried in front of countless people – doctors, professors, family. Heck, I cry at Hallmark ads! Oftentimes I’m embarrassed and have even been disgusted with myself for letting such intense emotions show. But my doctor was very supportive. She said this was a “safe place”. And happily, I believed her. She is a doctor with whom I feel I can be open and honest.
Later on, I thought about that scenario some more. Wasn’t I just writing about self-approval and self-acceptance? I’m still not sure where I stand on those things with regards to food choices. But here is a place where I can really go easy on myself. So what if I cry in front of others? So what if I’m an emotional person? It’s a big part of me. I feel things deeply. And this journey of approval and acceptance of myself is life-long. It’s a really big deal. So of course things hit me hard. And I react. There is no shame in that.
One thing the doctor recommended is that I get a scale. I haven’t had one in about 10 years – since the last time I tried to lose weight. She said it would be a good idea to have one, so that I can check in and keep myself honest. Well, I considered it. NOPE. No way. Absolutely not. It is such a bad idea for me!! I get so obsessive about weighing myself. I can’t keep it to just once a week. I start getting on the scale daily – sometimes even two times a day. And I am SOOOOOO hard on myself when I see the numbers fluctuating – which of course they are bound to do! So maybe I’ll get on a scale every few months at my parents’ house. Not so much to see how I’m doing (my clothes and my body pretty much tell me that). But so that I can put accurate information into My Fitness Pal.