Reality Check

I recently changed doctors. Which means I had to have a physical. Which means that today, I had to get on a scale. I did not like the numbers looking back at me. About 6 pounds more than I thought it would be. I knew I had put back on a pound or two, but I had not expected to see it that high. (And yet as I write this, I have to say, 6 pounds does not seem like all that much.)

Still, it was something of a shock. And a big disappointment. When I started writing this blog, I thought I was in the maintenance phase of weight loss and transformation. Nope. Not even close. In total, I think I’ve gained back at least 10 pounds, after having lost 20. UGH. That does not feel good.

So when I saw my new doctor (whom I really like) and in her litany of questions, she came to the one: how’s your diet? “Well, some good, some not so good,” I answered. And then I started to cry. Not unlike me. I’ve cried in front of countless people – doctors, professors, family. Heck, I cry at Hallmark ads! Oftentimes I’m embarrassed and have even been disgusted with myself for letting such intense emotions show. But my doctor was very supportive. She said this was a “safe place”. And happily, I believed her. She is a doctor with whom I feel I can be open and honest.

Later on, I thought about that scenario some more. Wasn’t I just writing about self-approval and self-acceptance? I’m still not sure where I stand on those things with regards to food choices. But here is a place where I can really go easy on myself. So what if I cry in front of others? So what if I’m an emotional person? It’s a big part of me. I feel things deeply. And this journey of approval and acceptance of myself is life-long. It’s a really big deal. So of course things hit me hard. And I react. There is no shame in that.

One thing the doctor recommended is that I get a scale. I haven’t had one in about 10 years – since the last time I tried to lose weight. She said it would be a good idea to have one, so that I can check in and keep myself honest. Well, I considered it. NOPE. No way. Absolutely not. It is such a bad idea for me!! I get so obsessive about weighing myself. I can’t keep it to just once a week. I start getting on the scale daily – sometimes even two times a day. And I am SOOOOOO hard on myself when I see the numbers fluctuating – which of course they are bound to do! So maybe I’ll get on a scale every few months at my parents’ house. Not so much to see how I’m doing (my clothes and my body pretty much tell me that). But so that I can put accurate information into My Fitness Pal.


Approval and Acceptance

School started last week for my kids. And at the end of the week, we all had colds. Fabulous.

Whenever I get sick, I know I should eat better, drink more water, etc. But all I want is comfort food. Which often translates as junk food. I know that has something to do with why I put some of the pounds back on last winter: because I was sick every other week and practically the entire month of April.

So here I am again. I had just gotten back into a good habit of logging my food and was even being really good about drinking more water. And then with this rotten head cold, I slipped back into the haze of junk food. I know I’m not the only one who does this, too.

But this post isn’t really about whining. What I really want to think about is how to be in this place where I know I’m not anywhere near eating healthy and still being okay with it.

Today, my Louise Hay calendar said:

“The two main keys to positive changes in my life are self-approval and self-acceptance. I know these qualities work to make my life the best it can be.”

I asked myself, is it possible for me to approve of myself right now? I’m making terrible food and drink choices! I know that I am. And yet I do it anyway. I give myself excuses: I don’t feel well and this is comfort food. Hmph.

Well, maybe I can get to approval and acceptance in this way: I am not perfect. I cannot be perfect all the time. I am going to slip off track now and then. I am human. And human beings do not live in a state of perfection or joy or positivity 100% of the time. It simply isn’t possible. And actually, that is a good thing. We need that contrast. If we lived in that perfect state all the time, we would never want more. And wanting more or new is always good.

After a few days of making “bad” food choices, I’ve pretty much had enough. My cold is clearing up. And now I’m ready to get back on track. Will I start logging and drinking more water tomorrow? Well, I hope so. At the very least, I feel that I will make at least some healthier choices. And that is something I can approve of.

So what happens the next time I get a cold? There’s a good chance I’ll be making those less-than-healthy choices again. Is it possible to approve of myself then? That is a really tough one.